The One Answer that Makes All Your Decisions in Life Easier: ‘Bowel Movement.’
Pluto: Hi Everyone. We have gathered here OUT of our orbits today to talk of a topic that is Numero Uno in our Solar System.
All the planets anti-rotate for a fraction of seconds to acknowledge each other.
Pluto: The Earth has called for an emergency board meeting to discuss the galactic aberration that is floating on its surface. No, not plastic this time. It is something that says how certain people can achieve more in 30 days than what most others do in 365.
Pluto dwarfs out of the meeting.
Earth (fixes its centrifuge, and puts its water back in place): We are all gathered here to discuss my existential crisis. Yes, my existential crisis. This! (shows a medium yellow meteorite with the words engraved: achieve in 30 what others achieve in 365)
(Whispers heard. Commotion. Disarray in the room)
Earth: Silence! Silence I say. I should be talking. Not you, lesser beings!
Sun (waking up from its sunny enigma): Easy Earth. Water it down.
Earth: Water it down? Have you seen what they did to me? First, they bring in plastic. Now they bring in this! It means I should change my revolutions schedule. If people can do in 30, what’s the use of 365? What do I do?
Saturn (raises its ring): I know the answer! Hit an asteroid. Wham! Kaboom! Blast! No more 30, no more 365. Peace in the Solar System. Namaste.
Earth: I did not ask for gassy advice. Tell me something more solid.
Saturn (Throws a ring of tantrum): My gas makes me beautiful! My gas makes my rings. And YOUR people consider me more beautiful than anyone else here. ‘Ooh Saturn is so marvellous, have you seen its rings?’ (mimics people in a nasty tone)
Sun (waking up again with the nasty tone): Easy with the sarcasm.
Earth: If people can do in 30 what others can do in 365, how can I accommodate seasons? I need to tell these walking creatures that I can be hot and angry, and I can be cold and harsh. I can flood them, I can melt them. But for all my moods, I need time.
(All planets discussing)
Sun (waking up from the muffled noises): Easy planets. Take it easy. Let’s get back to the topic. (snoozes its alarm)
Mercury: Look at me. How do I do it in 88? I do it in 88 what you do in 365 with an additional fraction. Blech! You take a lot of time you lazy waterball. I wake up and I become ‘unstoppable.’ Ask me how!
Earth: How?
Mercury: Listen Earth, there is just one answer to make all your decisions in your life easier: ‘Bowel Movement.’
Earth: Out of here. Now.
Mercury: Think about it. You are ambitious, but you must know that ambitious people are rarely successful. But, with good bowel movements, they could be successful. I’m talking of early morning movements, at about 3:35 am. They say the early bird catches the worm. Ever wondered where this worm comes from? From the early morning riser of course!(slaps on the table)
(All planets snigger)
Sun (waking up from muffled sniggers): I love your idea Merrr. That is the one behavior that separates the average from the achievers. Bowel Movements. Develop mastery in that, especially early mornings, reduce your orbital time and make millions!
Mercury: Earth, my dahling, I know it is an uncomfortable emotion, but handling that can reshape your pathetically mundane identity. Your mortal materialism deserves due disrespect. I can tell you of another way to train your brain and get whatever you want.
Earth: What is that?
Mercury: Laxatives. At night. (winks)
Earth: Meeting adjourned. (Fixes its orbit, gets into revolutionary motion)
If you feel you are not successful, consider paying attention to your bowel movements. Trust me, hack into your biology and become successful. While you are considering laxatives, clap for my article too.
